Another Day

213

So I dropped a couple of lbs. Then had banana bread (didn’t I just swear off that stuff yesterday?) a hot dog and churro. Back on the wagon again I go.

I re-read almost my entire old blog the last couple of days. I swear I’ve been screwing around with my weight for 15 fucking years since I had WLS. I really thought it would be the be-all end-all of all my problems. What a pipe dream. Between overeating and normal stretching out of my pouch and slowly knocking out my dumping syndrome by eating things like banana bread and churros I’m a weight gaining machine again.

Sometimes I think I really have to give it up, then I think to myself, only 80 more lbs to go to back to where you came from. I am literally halfway back. I started at just over 300 and I’m just over 200 now. This can’t continue, I CANNOT be that weight again. I can’t keep going up. I have to go back to JumpstartMD. Weigh in, get it over with.

The truth is, I only lose weight when I’m anxious. Maybe I need to cut down on the Seroquel…. I will try it tonight and see if I can still get at least 6 hours of sleep. Wish me luck.

Ho Ho Ho Here we go… (again)

214 Yep, the numbers are rising.

I started a new food plan run by an outfit named Jumpstart MD. They are addressing my issues with my thyroid and I’m supposed to eat no sugar no flour low carb (or damned near no carbs). I lost down to 205, then regained to 213, then lost to 203 and now back up to 214. I feel like its a vicious cycle. I keep losing and regaining the same 10 lbs. It’s like I’m doing good, going along, then get cocky. I can have a cheat meal right? Well, that turns into a cheat day, then a cheat week and now I’m skipping weigh-ins because I feel ashamed that I regained again.

What’s the point of shame? None to be had. I sometimes think that trying to lose weight during the holidays is ill-advised, but why? I can still have a persimmon cookie if I want. Just not the usual half dozen I’ll eat in a day when I bake them. Sometimes more if I’m being honest. This time last year I was at least 40lbs lighter. I hate that I’m in this position. I want to blame other things like the Seroquel I’m taking for my bi-polar disorder so that I can sleep at night that makes me HUNGRY all day. I want to blame my effed up thyroid. Really there’s no one to blame but me and what I’m stuffing in my face during the day. My body really responds to a low-carb diet. I lost 12 lbs in two weeks during one of my loss phases. So here I go again. Yeah, I had some Starbucks banana bread this am. That was my last trip to Starbucks. Not sure what I’m going to have for lunch, maybe a Chipotle salad bowl.

Eating low carb is a bit of a pain in the ass. I need to start looking at what I CAN eat instead of what I can’t eat. It’s a bitch eating low carb and being lactose intolerant. No greek yogurt for me. No string cheese snacks. Raw almonds, I can have those, but nuts are a calorie dense food, so what else? Beef jerky would work. Usually very low in carbs if I don’t get the teriyaki kind.

I have a feeling this is going to be a long 8 months (that’s about how long I figure it will take to get the weight off at 10 lbs a month). It will be worth it to be able to wear my favorite boots and jeans again. I’ll start working out today. Just walking for now. There’s a gang of people who walk at noon daily at work. They really haul ass so it will be a good workout for me.

OK here goes. Again. Last time. If I fuck up, I get up and dust myself off and get right back on the wagon. Its not the failures that define this journey, its how I handle the setbacks.

(A few minutes later) I found this on my original blog, the one I started when I 1st had WLS surgery, before I new about WordPress(or before it even existed??) “Part of me still thinks that living fat is more comfortable than living thin. The part that doesn’t like change, that doesn’t like continuing on in the unknown. That’s the part of me that I want to have shut her garbage disposal mouth and just sit still for a little while. That part of me totally fell in love with the weight loss process. At least, all the new things that process brought. New adventures, new highs and lows.. A crazy existence for a good year and a half before I leveled off… then into the 2nd year I had to learn how to be this new version of me… without all the crazy shit to distract me all the time. To be ME. It’s like suddenly I thought to myself ‘Whoops, fuck that, I need to eat, I don’t know this, I don’t understand this, I am afraid of this. No matter how much I want it, I am going to fuck it up…’

Hmmmmmmmm.

Optifast

199 Yep, I’m doing it. It took some work to be accepted into the program but I got my Dr referrals in and they said yes. 

I had to get labs and an EKG done. Found out that now I’m HypERthyroid instead of hypothyroid. I think it’s because I dropped the Seroquel, I believe that’s what messed up my thyroid in the first place.

So this weekend is a mini-family reunion, California edition! We are all gathering at my moms in sacramento and then heading to Reno to see my Aunt Patty and Uncle Al. All the cousins host the event, this is our third semi-annual event, with Aunts and uncles welcome. It’s going to be a blast, I can’t wait. 

It’s also a great way to go out before I start Optifast, I can taste all my favorite family foods and drink while we are in Reno before I stop eating food altogether on Wednesday. 5 shakes and 1 bar per day for almost 4 months. I hope to lose 5 lbs a week, which would mean getting almost all the way down to my desired weight of 145 by the time I’m done. I feel hopeful, relieved even. I need the structure, the boredom of what will be my “food” while I work on all the ways I relate to food in the meantime. Addressing issues, bad habits, etc. I can’t wait!

The only thing that sucks is Keith and I are going on a cruise the first week of October. I’m going to take my shakes and make the best of it! I might cheat, I might not. I think by then I will have lost enough weight to be motivated to keep at it.

I’m also looking for a personal trainer. I used to be PTrainer certified myself, but that was 10 years and 65lbs ago. EVERYTHING in fitness science has changed and doing my old five day split weightlifting on my own is boring as hell. I need some new moves!

Here’s to a great weekend!

Two hundred and WHAT?!

198 yep, I hit 208 a few weeks ago and freaked out. 1st I ate, cause I felt sorry for myself. Then I joined a gym and didn’t go much the 1st month. Now I’m going twice a day. Cardio in the am and class in the evening. I love it. I think I have a little bit of mania from the workout highs too. I’m tired, but its a good kind of tired. An achyness that I know means my body is changing, my muscles are growing. Ill used body parts in transformation. I just have to be careful I don’t burn out. For right now it’s run/walking for half an hour and then weights. 5 day split.

Monday Chest

Tuesday Back

Wednesday Legs (I HATE leg day)

Thursday Shoulders

Friday Biceps and Triceps

It worked for me before. When I had my gastric bypass in 2001 I worked out at home on a heavy duty commercial-grade elliptical (300lbs on home gym equipment = broken equpiment) until I lost 50lbs. Then I joined my buddy Carl in the gym. I logged my workouts faithfully every day. Almost every day we went and once I lost another 50lbs I started running. I was going to the gym in the am and then running in the evenings. Just a couple of miles but it was so freeing. Right now the running doesn’t feel so freeing, but that’s ok. It’s more like slogging through snow, but what the hell do I have to complain about? I’m still 100lbs under my top weight and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

For those of you who’ve had WLS, what do you do to keep it off? Do you work out? Do to ascribe to a certain method of eating (or not eating)? I feel like I’m burning so many calories every day its bound to take the weight off. I’m also applying to an OptiFast program that starts at the end of the month. I see my psych about it today, they need a note from my shrink and my family doctor to ensure that I’m well equipped mentally and physically for the task. I can’t wait to be free from food for a while. I did Optifast before my surgery and lost 50lbs, but once the medical weight management portion of the program was over there wasn’t much follow through on the part of the medical Dr.’s office and group ended up being more group therapy than advice on how to go back to eating healthy. Needless to say I gained the 50 back and added another 50 to reach my top weight.

Here’s to 2nd (and 3rd and 4th) tries. I feel like I can do it!

Happy hunting,

Carrie

Fitbit Fun

204 I’m a stepper now. Got a challenge today, let see if I can beat the rest of the team. 3600 so far today, but it’s already noon. I’ll have to walk at lunch and again after work.

My food situation is still a mess. I’m waking up in the middle of the night and eating. I don’t know what to do other than put locks on everything, or throw away the peanut butter and other things that are less than healthy. Even when its a healthy something I eat way too many/much of it. Anyone out there dealing with Seroquel? My psych warned me it would make me hungry, and irritiable if I tried to not eat. It’s no joke for sure.

This weekend we are going to hang out poolside with some friends. I’m not really looking forward to being in a bathing suit, but a good pair of cargos to go with my size L bikini top should do the trick. Next year I will be back in fighting shape, that is if I can actually start losing weight while on Seroquel. I cut down my dose by 2/3rds last night. So far I feel fine. It usually takes a couple of days on this dose before the anxiety monkey creeps up on my back. That’s going to be a challenge, just have to remember to be “present”. Whatever that looks like I don’t know. Just thinking about that chest crushing feeling has me a little nervous right this second. Time to do a little meditation while walking!

Running…

204 Had an awesome session with a running coach this weekend. Did lots of intervals. He showed me how to pick a cadence that would work for me and gave me ideas on how to improve over time. Adding time to my run interval every week until I can just run without needing to stop and walk to catch my breath. I feel hopeful. I will only do this kind of running twice a week, and then do other exercise the rest of the week. My exercise on Sunday was helping my husband repair our side fence and gate. Yesterday I did nothing. Today I’m going to try to go for a walk at work in the morning around 10. Just a half hour I think, but I’ll finally get some steps in on my FitBit. Saturday I racked up over 12,000. Sunday was more like 4,000 and yesterday my FitBit was on its charger so it didn’t record anything. Today so far at 8:30am I’m at 1,600.

Food. I’m going to go low calorie today. Avoiding flour, but not so much sugar, we’ll see if I can do one, and then the other after a few days. When I try to do both I fail in an epic way by the 2nd day…

Pff Heat wave…

200 Did I go for a walk yesterday after lunch? Hell no. It was 100 degrees outside and stayed hot past 9pm where I live. Tomorrow morning I have a session with a running coach. Someone who teaches the POSE method. I’ve been sleeping like crap for the last few months, but its starting to turn around. I feel like I could get up at 5am and get in a run. Or a run-walk. Or a jog-walk. Yeah I can do it, totally.