214 Yep, the numbers are rising.
I started a new food plan run by an outfit named Jumpstart MD. They are addressing my issues with my thyroid and I’m supposed to eat no sugar no flour low carb (or damned near no carbs). I lost down to 205, then regained to 213, then lost to 203 and now back up to 214. I feel like its a vicious cycle. I keep losing and regaining the same 10 lbs. It’s like I’m doing good, going along, then get cocky. I can have a cheat meal right? Well, that turns into a cheat day, then a cheat week and now I’m skipping weigh-ins because I feel ashamed that I regained again.
What’s the point of shame? None to be had. I sometimes think that trying to lose weight during the holidays is ill-advised, but why? I can still have a persimmon cookie if I want. Just not the usual half dozen I’ll eat in a day when I bake them. Sometimes more if I’m being honest. This time last year I was at least 40lbs lighter. I hate that I’m in this position. I want to blame other things like the Seroquel I’m taking for my bi-polar disorder so that I can sleep at night that makes me HUNGRY all day. I want to blame my effed up thyroid. Really there’s no one to blame but me and what I’m stuffing in my face during the day. My body really responds to a low-carb diet. I lost 12 lbs in two weeks during one of my loss phases. So here I go again. Yeah, I had some Starbucks banana bread this am. That was my last trip to Starbucks. Not sure what I’m going to have for lunch, maybe a Chipotle salad bowl.
Eating low carb is a bit of a pain in the ass. I need to start looking at what I CAN eat instead of what I can’t eat. It’s a bitch eating low carb and being lactose intolerant. No greek yogurt for me. No string cheese snacks. Raw almonds, I can have those, but nuts are a calorie dense food, so what else? Beef jerky would work. Usually very low in carbs if I don’t get the teriyaki kind.
I have a feeling this is going to be a long 8 months (that’s about how long I figure it will take to get the weight off at 10 lbs a month). It will be worth it to be able to wear my favorite boots and jeans again. I’ll start working out today. Just walking for now. There’s a gang of people who walk at noon daily at work. They really haul ass so it will be a good workout for me.
OK here goes. Again. Last time. If I fuck up, I get up and dust myself off and get right back on the wagon. Its not the failures that define this journey, its how I handle the setbacks.
(A few minutes later) I found this on my original blog, the one I started when I 1st had WLS surgery, before I new about WordPress(or before it even existed??) “Part of me still thinks that living fat is more comfortable than living thin. The part that doesn’t like change, that doesn’t like continuing on in the unknown. That’s the part of me that I want to have shut her garbage disposal mouth and just sit still for a little while. That part of me totally fell in love with the weight loss process. At least, all the new things that process brought. New adventures, new highs and lows.. A crazy existence for a good year and a half before I leveled off… then into the 2nd year I had to learn how to be this new version of me… without all the crazy shit to distract me all the time. To be ME. It’s like suddenly I thought to myself ‘Whoops, fuck that, I need to eat, I don’t know this, I don’t understand this, I am afraid of this. No matter how much I want it, I am going to fuck it up…’ ”